After we miscarried in Fall of 2013, we waited a few months until we were ready to try again. We ended up getting pregnant in Feb! And because I was terrified we would lose this little life too, for the first time, I monitored my progesterone and took shots to keep me at safe levels. My dear husband shot me in the butt cheek for 2 months until we made it to 14 weeks. I had a bad reaction to one of the shots, randomly, and we took it as a sign it was time for me to stop. So we did. I continued to monitor my levels and they were pretty safe.
This pregnancy was not as enjoyable as the others because I was ruled by fear. Death and loss can really take its toll on people. I think it’s human nature to want to shield yourself from that kind of pain, to make yourself less venerable to hurt. This was my cross during this pregnancy. I constantly heard God asking me to trust Him, asking me to trust in His love for me and His desire to spoil me and grant my deepest heart’s desire…. But I was still so hesitant.
When it came time to find out whether this baby was a boy or a girl, I was worried that I would feel disappointment upon hearing the gender of our rainbow baby. I constantly prayed throughout those 9 months that God would match my heart’s desire to His. If it be his will that our baby were to pass, that I would have the strength and wisdom to accept that. I prayed that if I was having another boy, that I would sincerely want another boy. And if I was to have a girl, that I would desire that. Well as I waited in the waiting room before my ultrasound, my heart was beating out of my chest because I could not squelch my hardcore desire for a baby girl. I was nervous that God didn’t come through on his part of the deal (can you believe that!?)-that He withheld changing my heart’s desire to his. I was logically expecting a boy, but hoping with my highest hopes that it was a girl. I was conflicted with hope for a girl, premature guilt for not wanting another boy (but would have gladly accepted another one!), and general anxiety of the outcome. All mixed up.
Hands shaking, heart pounding, I lie there on the ultrasound bed. The tec seems to take forever going through all the measurements. Finally she announces that everything looks perfect and that we are having a GIRL! I immediately started crying and quickly asked if she was sure! Happy tears! Tears of relief, tears of joy, tears of awaiting baby bows, pink dresses and mommy/daughter dates to the nail solon, tears of anticipation of prom dress shopping and crying over boys together, and most of all, tears shed in gratitude for the perfect gift God could have given me-a baby girl and reassurance of a faithful, generous and affectionate God who loves me and has plans for my welfare, not for woe.